To Whom It May Concern.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XangPpXV4Gw


This song...this song tells me of you. I had a faint heart beat that had your name on it, had your face on it. I hope you are still a part of me. I hope I haven't lost you. I hope I didn't pass you by. I shall cover my heart in sweet words till you come and pluck them out one by one and whisper them to me...

today.

a collection of thoughts...the wind howls and my heart is filled with melancholy...

It was sunny behind me, big looming clouds rolled in front of me. It seemed like a sign of what lay ahead. I didn't want to believe that but somehow my heart shook it's little head, warning me of days to come. Days that would not be peachy or full of bunny rabbits and lollipops. Life was going to get hard. Life was going to get real. People were going to become harsh pictures of pain and defeat. That had already begun. I felt like Buddha, all sorts of hands rubbing my belly hoping for some kind of sign. Being ever so ticklish, I felt every rub like a stab. I couldn't give them what they longed for. It was killing me. All I could do was wait. Hope, hope that a God I served would come through, that He would hear my voice and do something. Hoping He would move.

I saw a blind person the other day. She was perfect. She had two eyes. A nose. Two ears. A mouth. She had a full head of hair and a well put together body. She was walking down the street, her walking pole in front of her. She didn't hide her face. She didn't hide who she was. I put myself in her place. My hearing became sharpened and I marveled at the world. I wanted my life to be a discovery. Every day something, some one new. A life where love did not break my heart, where people were people, beautiful creations, and I could hope again. I clung to every word of hope that I had ever heard. I inched forward. I struggle in murky water today. But I'm heading up the river. And I will have muscle...I will have strength to face those clouds.

I remember when I used to care about other people more than myself. I had nothing in this world to hold onto. Now I wrap my hands around myself. Your best friend committed suicide. I remembered that today. And my heart ached for anyone and everyone. I pictured you...your eyes were sad. I hadn't noticed. I have been close to that feeling but not quite. My friend is still alive. How do you continue to breathe? How do you love? How do you feel anymore? I have deadened myself for lesser things. I know you could be strong again. You may have given in to such comforts that this fouled world offers, but you're still here. You came back. I don't know why you came back.

Your eyes are still so blue.

Cling to Me, and I shall give you rest. But cling to Me...Hold on little one! Hold on!