we are ironic paradigms…we are called to give everything, yet we seek more…we are hungry yet we eat three square meals (or more)…
our lives are ones of constant wonder…we change, we stay the same, we hurt, we heal, we cry, we are joyfully abandoned…
i will never know how my heart became so tenderized, like a pounded piece of beef…the very shape of it distorted…i didn’t ask for this…i have never known such grief…to let go would mean the beginning of something, something new…but i cannot release this old haunting love that has been an inspiration for veritable novels.
a smile. a wink. a nod. a sweet embrace. a kind word. lost. ever so lost.
ever a piece of tenderized beef or a gently formed shape, the icon of love? just one glance…
this will be the day when the earth stands still. when time no longer matters, when love is in every heart beat, when hope mingles with tears. this will be the day.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
a december daydream.
Once upon a time I walked down a street. Oh hell how my feet hurt. I was alone as usual. I always seem to be alone. It’s a daily syndrome that I must admit I often enjoy. I can smile at leaves frown at people and no one gives a…well you know. This was one of those days where the east end coffee shop made me feel like I was in the happiest place on earth. Crap everywhere. It was a veritable Christmas morning. I found scraps of paper that contained the dirty figures of fingers long past. cups with milk that was just beginning to curdle. Newspapers headlining wal-mart. My large O.J. only seems to add to the Christmas cheer. Passers by all with places to go, me with nothing to do but stare at them in a wild way, sipping my orange juice. My hands begin to shake. That darn graham cracker did nothing for me. Three hours gone by, I should say not. Wow this classical music sure knows how to penetrate ear drums. I think I will be spending the last of my savings on a hearing aid. There’s a guy outside my window reading a book with a red cover. Another just walked by with his sweet blonde haired little girl. So many adjectives in one sentence. I walked by a shop earlier. The door was open. I had glanced at the window display which consisted of spray paint bottles and a painting of like mind. A guy inside said “thanks have a great day!” with such enthusiasm I couldn’t help but look inside as I went by. He seemed to pause when he saw me. Now in my perfect world 1) I would have gone inside (my original thought) or 2) he would have run out after me calling ‘wait! Wait! I don’t even know your name!” (think Cinderella). That’d be the life. HA!
a rambling.
“I’ve been busy planning a wedding but I keep on forgetting I do not have a groom…darn it.”
“Fall-der-all and fiddley doodle, all the dreamers in the world are dizzy in the noodle.”
“Oh inconsistent me, crying out for consistency!”
It is ever so surreal to me-how life changes, people come and go, nothing stays the same. I must admit I am in a rather sentimental, if not a somewhat depressed, mood. Maybe depressed isn’t the right word. Perhaps saddened would be better. I feel the ache of memories lost, of those remembered. It is an ache that makes life even more beautiful and worth living. I feel without words to express what is going on in my heart and yet I write. Maybe this is the irony that is my life. Words do not come, yet I write. My heart is saddened so I sing. I feel far from beautiful, yet I dance. I live a contradiction.
Pardon my enigmatic tone. I am sitting alone in my kitchen, having just eaten an entire bag of microwave kettle corn and M&M’s (try it sometime, it’s amazing). I went to bed at 3a.m. and woke up at 12 noon. It’s been an interesting day. Again, forgive this lack of explanation for why I write such a sentimental note. It seems that everywhere I go I am followed by white gowns and tuxedos. I walked into Target a couple weeks ago and the line by the wedding registry was huge. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps I don’t. I can’t even remember all the friends who are getting married, just got engaged, just got married, are having babies…All my single ladies, you feel me.
I don’t know what it is, but I joke not when I say that ‘marriage’ has practically been following me. I know that God pursues us and this could be his way of doing so for me; using a beautiful illustration to remind me of this. But I must say it has done more than just remind me. It has been thrown in my face. I’m a patient person (I can say that can’t I?) and I’ve been waiting this long-a few more years won’t hurt, right? It’s as though my life is waiting to happen and yet once again an irony…It is all these years, these memories that have made my life happen. This waiting has only helped shape me.
Ah the mysteries in life…why this pursuit? Oh God, how I question your ways. Sometimes I really don’t understand…I really, really don’t understand. Then yet another irony or miracle, yes a miraculous thing happens. I become conscience of his presence and I forget all my ‘pressing’ needs but at times, I become all the more aware of the fact that I am alone on earth. Woh drastic! You must be saying, but didn’t God say “It is not good for man (woman) to be alone”? Think about it. Everything in creation cries to be loved, cries for companionship, for intimacy, for romance, for adventure…Do you think God might have been trying to get a point across?
This idea of pursuit, of getting to know some one…this in a way, drives me crazy. In the words of my friend “I just want to skip the dating and get married”. Sometimes I truly wish this could be so. Why can’t romance be like that of the movies? The main characters fall in love within twenty minutes and are married within an hour or two (so much for the ‘I’m the patient type’). But the romance of the movies is inspired by something right? Could I really have all I dreamed and more? Can the stirring in my heart every time I hear that song or see that movie be for a reason?
I suppose you could say that this note is a bit of a follow up to the last one I posted about marriage. It has been a subject at the forefront of my mind (obviously). I’m not fishing for proposals (easy guys). I just enjoy exploring the many mysteries of life. Perhaps these romantic songs and movies are yet another way Jesus woos us to him; perhaps it is his way of using a relevant source to get to our hearts. I just know that the more I long for that earthly love the more I cling to Jesus in the waiting. And perhaps that was his purpose all along…
(thanks for reading my random Tuesday ramblings. sometimes I wonder at myself...)
“Fall-der-all and fiddley doodle, all the dreamers in the world are dizzy in the noodle.”
“Oh inconsistent me, crying out for consistency!”
It is ever so surreal to me-how life changes, people come and go, nothing stays the same. I must admit I am in a rather sentimental, if not a somewhat depressed, mood. Maybe depressed isn’t the right word. Perhaps saddened would be better. I feel the ache of memories lost, of those remembered. It is an ache that makes life even more beautiful and worth living. I feel without words to express what is going on in my heart and yet I write. Maybe this is the irony that is my life. Words do not come, yet I write. My heart is saddened so I sing. I feel far from beautiful, yet I dance. I live a contradiction.
Pardon my enigmatic tone. I am sitting alone in my kitchen, having just eaten an entire bag of microwave kettle corn and M&M’s (try it sometime, it’s amazing). I went to bed at 3a.m. and woke up at 12 noon. It’s been an interesting day. Again, forgive this lack of explanation for why I write such a sentimental note. It seems that everywhere I go I am followed by white gowns and tuxedos. I walked into Target a couple weeks ago and the line by the wedding registry was huge. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps I don’t. I can’t even remember all the friends who are getting married, just got engaged, just got married, are having babies…All my single ladies, you feel me.
I don’t know what it is, but I joke not when I say that ‘marriage’ has practically been following me. I know that God pursues us and this could be his way of doing so for me; using a beautiful illustration to remind me of this. But I must say it has done more than just remind me. It has been thrown in my face. I’m a patient person (I can say that can’t I?) and I’ve been waiting this long-a few more years won’t hurt, right? It’s as though my life is waiting to happen and yet once again an irony…It is all these years, these memories that have made my life happen. This waiting has only helped shape me.
Ah the mysteries in life…why this pursuit? Oh God, how I question your ways. Sometimes I really don’t understand…I really, really don’t understand. Then yet another irony or miracle, yes a miraculous thing happens. I become conscience of his presence and I forget all my ‘pressing’ needs but at times, I become all the more aware of the fact that I am alone on earth. Woh drastic! You must be saying, but didn’t God say “It is not good for man (woman) to be alone”? Think about it. Everything in creation cries to be loved, cries for companionship, for intimacy, for romance, for adventure…Do you think God might have been trying to get a point across?
This idea of pursuit, of getting to know some one…this in a way, drives me crazy. In the words of my friend “I just want to skip the dating and get married”. Sometimes I truly wish this could be so. Why can’t romance be like that of the movies? The main characters fall in love within twenty minutes and are married within an hour or two (so much for the ‘I’m the patient type’). But the romance of the movies is inspired by something right? Could I really have all I dreamed and more? Can the stirring in my heart every time I hear that song or see that movie be for a reason?
I suppose you could say that this note is a bit of a follow up to the last one I posted about marriage. It has been a subject at the forefront of my mind (obviously). I’m not fishing for proposals (easy guys). I just enjoy exploring the many mysteries of life. Perhaps these romantic songs and movies are yet another way Jesus woos us to him; perhaps it is his way of using a relevant source to get to our hearts. I just know that the more I long for that earthly love the more I cling to Jesus in the waiting. And perhaps that was his purpose all along…
(thanks for reading my random Tuesday ramblings. sometimes I wonder at myself...)
Monday, January 18, 2010
yellow.
i lie awake at night thinking of you. thoughts of you mingle with others. a jumbled mess of woes, of joys, of tears, of deep hidden places. the chaos of night brings me comfort somehow. its sounds wrap their arms around me, a strange sort of comfort.
i am alone in a room full. silence is a pervasive friend, light an enemy to my weary eyes. i wish for the eyes of my cat so that i may write in the sweet solace of darkness.
my chest aches. i breathe deeply hoping for an epiphany with each inhale.
outside my memory-stained window the world anxiously awaits the rising of the sun. nearly bursting with the hope that the rays might warm its weary bones. the stars are insomniacs, the moon a playful spotlight, teasing restless eyes with its promise of a brighter day.
a hymn soothes my pulsing temples. i try to dream of you but no image comes, no glimmer of a brighter day.
a day with you and me among an ocean of fiery leaves, their dying song sweet as they welcome their cousins green.
a brighter day.
i am alone in a room full. silence is a pervasive friend, light an enemy to my weary eyes. i wish for the eyes of my cat so that i may write in the sweet solace of darkness.
my chest aches. i breathe deeply hoping for an epiphany with each inhale.
outside my memory-stained window the world anxiously awaits the rising of the sun. nearly bursting with the hope that the rays might warm its weary bones. the stars are insomniacs, the moon a playful spotlight, teasing restless eyes with its promise of a brighter day.
a hymn soothes my pulsing temples. i try to dream of you but no image comes, no glimmer of a brighter day.
a day with you and me among an ocean of fiery leaves, their dying song sweet as they welcome their cousins green.
a brighter day.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
