“I’ve been busy planning a wedding but I keep on forgetting I do not have a groom…darn it.”
“Fall-der-all and fiddley doodle, all the dreamers in the world are dizzy in the noodle.”
“Oh inconsistent me, crying out for consistency!”
It is ever so surreal to me-how life changes, people come and go, nothing stays the same. I must admit I am in a rather sentimental, if not a somewhat depressed, mood. Maybe depressed isn’t the right word. Perhaps saddened would be better. I feel the ache of memories lost, of those remembered. It is an ache that makes life even more beautiful and worth living. I feel without words to express what is going on in my heart and yet I write. Maybe this is the irony that is my life. Words do not come, yet I write. My heart is saddened so I sing. I feel far from beautiful, yet I dance. I live a contradiction.
Pardon my enigmatic tone. I am sitting alone in my kitchen, having just eaten an entire bag of microwave kettle corn and M&M’s (try it sometime, it’s amazing). I went to bed at 3a.m. and woke up at 12 noon. It’s been an interesting day. Again, forgive this lack of explanation for why I write such a sentimental note. It seems that everywhere I go I am followed by white gowns and tuxedos. I walked into Target a couple weeks ago and the line by the wedding registry was huge. Perhaps I exaggerate, perhaps I don’t. I can’t even remember all the friends who are getting married, just got engaged, just got married, are having babies…All my single ladies, you feel me.
I don’t know what it is, but I joke not when I say that ‘marriage’ has practically been following me. I know that God pursues us and this could be his way of doing so for me; using a beautiful illustration to remind me of this. But I must say it has done more than just remind me. It has been thrown in my face. I’m a patient person (I can say that can’t I?) and I’ve been waiting this long-a few more years won’t hurt, right? It’s as though my life is waiting to happen and yet once again an irony…It is all these years, these memories that have made my life happen. This waiting has only helped shape me.
Ah the mysteries in life…why this pursuit? Oh God, how I question your ways. Sometimes I really don’t understand…I really, really don’t understand. Then yet another irony or miracle, yes a miraculous thing happens. I become conscience of his presence and I forget all my ‘pressing’ needs but at times, I become all the more aware of the fact that I am alone on earth. Woh drastic! You must be saying, but didn’t God say “It is not good for man (woman) to be alone”? Think about it. Everything in creation cries to be loved, cries for companionship, for intimacy, for romance, for adventure…Do you think God might have been trying to get a point across?
This idea of pursuit, of getting to know some one…this in a way, drives me crazy. In the words of my friend “I just want to skip the dating and get married”. Sometimes I truly wish this could be so. Why can’t romance be like that of the movies? The main characters fall in love within twenty minutes and are married within an hour or two (so much for the ‘I’m the patient type’). But the romance of the movies is inspired by something right? Could I really have all I dreamed and more? Can the stirring in my heart every time I hear that song or see that movie be for a reason?
I suppose you could say that this note is a bit of a follow up to the last one I posted about marriage. It has been a subject at the forefront of my mind (obviously). I’m not fishing for proposals (easy guys). I just enjoy exploring the many mysteries of life. Perhaps these romantic songs and movies are yet another way Jesus woos us to him; perhaps it is his way of using a relevant source to get to our hearts. I just know that the more I long for that earthly love the more I cling to Jesus in the waiting. And perhaps that was his purpose all along…
(thanks for reading my random Tuesday ramblings. sometimes I wonder at myself...)
No comments:
Post a Comment