counting sheep

You make me want to sing the blues
untied my shoes, tied 'em up again
You make me want to laugh. Loud
I stood in the crowd. But I didn't stand out
You make me want to cry before I sleep
as if counting sheep wasn't painful enough
I close my eyes, try to forget
but you can bet, that I will remember
You've made me like a hollow bird
just say the word, and I'll float
I blink.
I think, maybe this time
I stare at my empty hand
Maybe he'll understand, but I doubt he's real
I'd wear you like my favorite shirt
you'd treat me like dirt, whatever
I'd knit you a scarf for winter days
you'd say it's just a phase and throw it out
I like to whisper your name at sunset
You'd rather caress the frets of your guitar
I light candles in remembrance of you
You say we're through, without saying a word
I raise my glass, I raise my fist
I'm pissed to say the least
You made me want to sing the blues
untied my shoes, threw them at you
you made me want to laugh. Loud.
I stood in the crowd. And laughed as I walked away
You made me want to cry before I slept
but now I've kept count of those sheep
and you've fallen short.

of imaginary

You try to make me forget the moon
but it shines through my window
forming a box on my floor
pointing at my door
beckoning me to dance in its rays
it wants so much to warm me
but the sun has stolen
the thing that would make it golden

I sit alone. Again.
I've grown accustomed to the moon
as my friend
the stars my allies
they are the ones that see me when I cry
hear me when I sing sweet songs
of pretend.
Of imaginary
of someday

and now I'm writin' words for an imaginary audience.
You might read it
she might read it
and it might stir something
but that's not why I write.
Maybe it is sometimes.
Maybe I make rhymes
hoping for some face to appear
at my window
like romeo
like juliet
I don't know yet
which one I am
I'm tired of you sayin' this is who I am
I may have skin that's white
but white is just white
not the absence of light
maybe that's why I write
to make no sense
just to sound poetic
to get you to stop and think
maybe it's pathetic
but you're thinking
about the moon
now. Aren't you?

Hopefully you'll dance in her moonbeams
and sing a little song
dance dance the whole dark long

what's in a name

you know what I think?

I think you think you know

what it is to be a dancer.

you think I'm all pink

and tutus inside

that the swoosh on my Nikes

is just a symbol of swag

that my duffel bag

is full of soy cheese

and weight-loss bars

but let me tell you

that I've come this far

by the sweat of my brow

by the ache of my knees

the pain in my shoulder

the back flips, the splits

the groans, the moans

of yesterday's warm up.

Let's see you do 75 sit ups

after 100 push ups

let's see you lift those legs

180 degrees, thank you

girl please!

I work my butt off, literally

let me see you, come on let's see ya

Werk! with a capital start

let's see you play the part

of ath-e-lete ar-teest

this dancer's a beast

with grace.

I am proud of my muscles

my calves wide and strong

I've got good legs, hell they ain't long

but they can kick worth beans.

my lungs burstin' at the seams

dances back to back

we break our back

are you not entertained?!



I call them artists.

I call them athletes.

Smart. Funny. Beautiful.

dancers.

paperwork.

here I sat stuffin' envelopes
I wondered if there was something
beyond this
I hoped there was something
but I think it's just an envelope
with corners, sharp edges
and a seal.
that holds dreams in
till the receiver receives
breaks the hold
and bam! dreams unfold
and paper cuts abide.
I still just think it's an envelope
with strangers' names
and other zip codes
lick and stick
peel.
bump and grind
bump up your pay
9 dollars a day
grind at the grindstone
you'll make more friends
this way.
Saving pennies cuz that's all
you've got left
you're cat's gone crazy
and you're dealing with identity theft
buy more stock
stock up on cheese
and wine
because you just got another
parking ticket
and you can't pay the fine.
But it's in an envelope
so you can't see it
so you can write poetry on the back of it
cuz maybe this is it
Like Michael J. said
only 4 more minutes...
ding! TV dinner's done
and you sit down
tryin' to unwind
this web of lies
you've spun
about your gym membership that's expired
and your new iPad 4 and a half
and the diet you created which will create
a multi-billion dollar market.
you need to start that business plan
outline.
next week.
the proposal's in an envelope.
so is your grandmother's birthday card you never delivered
A wish you well blessing that was never heard
but it's in an envelope so they'll
never know.

because you asked.

these lines are for your convenience
so you can better see inside my soul
there's holes so deep you'd never know
The pain that ravages bones
the tears that eat my veins
the police that lock up my blood cells
for interrogation
because they want to know, they have to know
what makes my heart beat
what makes my ventricles weep
they'll never find the sighs that have escaped
they'll never catch the hurt that burned

a hole in my left lung
they'll never feel the ache that left a for sale sign on my rib cage

open up your fucking mouth
and spit out the dirt you threw at me
I don't want to eat your lies anymore
this rhythm wont get caught in the mud
of society and illusions of the Berlin Wall
it's tumblin' down like a London Bridge

that I've been burning for decades
the police may get me for arson
but they'll never call me a liar
I speak truth. I've opened my skin

for scrutiny

my past is mutiny

my future, absolutely..hell if I knew

it's a circus show

where I play all the parts

including the ensemble
there's a marching band on my intestines
screaming orders to elephants
and skinny cheerleaders
who's blonde hair and short skirts cut my eyes
out.
Oh but I fell for your calipso eyes
your gasoline tongue
ignited my breath
till every heart beat beat like the one two of the marching band
slow and steady. slow and steady.
you were like Johnny Cash
dressed in black already attended the funeral of ocean waves
that reached out to the sand
and were eaten alive.
silence.
that's all you've got now
you fill it up but still it explodes
like your ear popping.
no one hears it but you.
this life is an endless romance
of desolation and desecration
you want stimulation
I want a beer
You cry Oh God!
I am more sincere
I don't take shits but I give two shits
for people who are trampled
by words instead of caressed by lips
who are beaten instead of danced with
who can't write. who can't read. but their ears
bleed from cuffs, from scolding because
they didn't eat their broccoli.

feel.

why do we eat the thing
that kills us?
why do we prefer death
to breathing?
perhaps it's because we
feel a little bit
more
when we're dying
we are struggling
for something
tangible.
air
we hunt for the very thing
that attacks
we seek the pain
at least then
we know we feel

A letter.

So this one time I went to a bar, see. And there was this guy there. Not really my type but apparently I was his. He started talkin' and I started drinking. I didn't stop, neither did he. Like an idiot I gave him my phone number. What did I care? It was a phone number not sex. He leaned over and kissed me. I saw it coming and my brain said 'run for the hills Maria! They're singin' to ya!' But my lips kissed back. Beer=bad. I pushed him away. I guess he took that as 'I wanna date you'. A shove is a shove. So like an idiot, I go out with him, see. I sneak some friends in on the date. The more the merrier right? So right. It's strange. I get lost watching other people on their dates. “We're here again?” is the look on every girl's face. “A pitcher of beer and salsa? That's all ya got?” Cheap trick. I forget I'm on a 'date' and start writing each tables' story. I'm laughing to myself, happily ignoring said date. This is the longest hour of my life thus far. Two more followed. Boredom kills, one out of one stupid chick who goes on unbearable date. I'm starting to feel depressed. Am I a magnet for weirdos and guys who just want some...chips? I don't mind in the end because inspiration comes from experience. Boy. I've had enough experiences in the last six months to fill a dime-store novel. That's what it'd be worth too. I'm not saying I'm proud...I'm just sayin' it's hard to be so damn good-looking. I'm gonna go through life with my eyes closed...and my lips...and well, other things. Life is rough kiddo. Don't take it lying down. That just leads to babies and pain relievers. Charge it head on. And beat the crap out of it...once in a while...

Love, Your Auntie

go on. take a drink.

Drinking alone

thinking alone

it doesn't feel the same

you've forgotten my name

it doesn't matter

I'm getting fatter

but no one will know

I'll wear bigger clothes

change my face

change my body below

it'll break the ice

it'll knock you out

this pain

it drives away the mundane

it is dazzling

my insides are frazzling

hoping for some sort. of. Life.

It's worth the strife

this delicate

delusion

of

separation

crunch munch punch

to the face

to finish the race

of my heart

the start

is ahead

the finish behind

you don't want to find

me

in the crowd

I screamed it loud

I whispered it sweet

I left my insides

at your feet

I left my mind

inside your chest

and all that's left

of me

is flesh and bone

alone

now we've grown

you've flown

I'm in a cage

Never gettin

past this stage

enraged

disengaged

hollow

there's rain

inside my brain

it's not outside

even though I tried

to make it so.

I did a rain dance

hoping for the chance

of you

appearing.

You didn't show

now I don't know

how to move

if only I could prove

what you meant to me

mean to me

how you fill me

swallow me

shadow me

cover me

empty

empty

empty

empty

empty

recycle

trash

trash

trash

used

reused

trash

basura

empty

shit

dirt

crap

empty

tears tears tears!

Cried to no one

a stained pillow case

an ugly face

make-up running

once stunning

done

done

done

shut the door

to your...

room.

Bones lie in the closet

broken lockets

remains

of some one

two

three

four

maybe five...davy crocket

could stake a claim

elbow room!

Cried daniel boone

none to be had

no room to be had

he was glad. you were glad.

just like your dad

nameless faceless

gone.

there was a depth to your eyes

you couldn't disguise

you tried to hide

you wouldn't confide

I gave you my secrets

you ate yours

rebound

unbound

let go

of

my heart!

It's crumbling, a part

goes with you

a part, is new

a part, is hollow

a part, you swallowed

a part, I buried

with yours

open doors, windows

and ceilings

break it down

to the ground

till there's nothing

left

to be found

of us.

of you.

of me

of that

time

when we two

had something new

something true

but away it went

with the tide

my soul was spent

your tongue was tied

you wanted to hide.

my way of thinking

tainted

I can't feel the way

I once did

nothing is the same

since that day

the rain...

it pelts my face

it isn't soft

it isn't sweet

it's not the same...

it's a different place

i'm incomplete

robbed

restitched

unhinged

the smell of familiarity

lingers on my clothes

fingers that dance, a heart that sews

itself on sleeves

it's an old day smell

that brings clarity

for some odd reason

it goes with this season

I'm believin'

for a brighter day

not waiting for you to say

you're not grieving

not waiting to receive

a word from you

a look from you

a smile

a slow dance

a summer romance

that could've been

I'm going forth

heading north

maybe east

maybe you're the beauty

I'm the beast

We're running in reverse

the finish is where we start

you said give it one more chance

take one more glance

before you utter a curse

before you close your heart

to a warm knock

a sweet embrace

the beats dart

one, two one two

buckle my...blues

eat my heart

eat my love

eat

eat eat

repeat

defeat

replete

meat

elite

treat

me

like

dirt

eat

the worm

toss the apple

you're the bird

I'm the germ

we don't dapple

we don't grapple

we beat the earth

with a feather

tickle my heart

with leather

torture my soul

with kind words

with distinct phrases

that you wrote on your forehead

that you strummed on your guitar

we've come this far

only to be lost in the mazes

of our own poetry

love is dead

love is you

love is me

love is lost at sea

whiskey and cigarettes

I wanted to crawl into the corners of your mind

Stretch myself across your mind

till I was so thin

I fluttered when you walked

Like my heart fluttered when you talked

You, you...you

with your caresses

my soul undresses

I can't help but give you all that I have

A pair of shoes, and a broken nose

overdose

overdose on the texture of your tongue

on the taste of your kisses

your skin salty,

like a sea, undiscovered

like a child, recovered, you

hold me in your arms

I'm drowning in your charms.

What a way to die.

What a way to live!

Free, unharnessed

I'm takin' over your mind.

You're gonna have to charge rent.

When my money's been spent

I'll pitch a tent

in your heart.

Oh hell, Florida's got enough

sunshine

and pink plastic flamingos

for the both of us.

Whiskey and cigarettes, that's how the

story goes.

You, me, them, a hushed celebration

No provocation

but plenty of outbursts.

Will it get worse?

It was a cold night. It always

is.

My heart pre-frozen, doesn't feel much

But this...

you...

with such...hope you came to me.

Offered it up in a slow dance.

I let you take the lead.

My heart was about to be freed.

Set loose. Loved?

Love. The best four letter curse.

I let my feelings disperse

I chased them out.

You were a dream. I was in one

Could I believe in good again?

Easy to do in the sunshine

What about the time when

the clouds rolled in and brought the pain?

Fog and dew.

My bane.

Winter rain in the summer time

it's like my insides.

All shook up.

Ventricles collide, hope subsides

Fate tripped me up

I fell into your dream

You made mine burst at the seam

The end of the world

My world.

Their world.

They think, we think

we know

What to drink, where to go.

We hid, we covered our faces

Fit in all the right places.

I found a place in the back of your mind.

It's a place where only you can find

me.

I'll stay here till I overtake your heart

Your ventricles becoming a part

of me.

Every step you take, I'm moving you

to a breaking point.

Keep pushing through

because I'm here, I'm here

inside of you.

You are my happiness

So near was such bliss

Ah my heart fails me

My worries invade me

But you are true

You asked me to stay

Oh sweet honey dew day!

A joyous sigh

Escaped my wearied form

My hope lept to the sky

I was above and beyond

You would be my song

With bad rhymes and

awkward rhythms

Pain, hurt, synicism

Tears, laughs, adventure

I wanna hold your hand.

A Girl.

A Boy.

A split second in time

we met.

Just as my heart

began to fret.

You came along.

Sang a song

A good song, a love song

We laughed, we drank.

You remembered all

I remembered you.

The canvas blank

The walls torn down

They will say it's wrong

It doesn't fit the perfect mold

but we create.

we explode.

The norm isn't ours.

The expectations corrode

we are a new kind of old

you, a fresh breeze,

a fragrance, unsold

a story, untold

soon to be known.

There would be sunshine

again.

But we were up before dawn

and everything seemed wrong.

Too fast! Slow down!

Hold. Back. Your. Heart.

My world turned, one sound

one word.

And we were apart.

Silence.

My hands shook.

One day.

Another day.

You never made me doubt

who I was

who I could be.

What the world was about.

Green grass and daisy chains

empty picture frames

but you were in my heart

buried so deep

I couldn't rip you out.

I tried, I pried at the roots

you were a part of me

now.

I can't escape you

I don't understand you

I can't get around you

never before

have I felt such...

Pain.

Joy.

Sorrow.

Bliss.

Loss.

Freedom.

Weightless listless

Hope.

Dare I say love?

no. It's what you want

most of all.

It's what I want

evermore.

Yet we're scared

to hit the ceiling

hit the floor.

It's a feeling we truly can't ignore

hard as we try...

it's pushing to the surface

this pain has a purpose

it's closing doors

opening wardrobes

worlds await.

Things were so right

so true

Every thought was a

thought of you

Take it slow

begin again

Enjoy these summer days

I think of all

the ways

You were like my best

friend.

Am I old news to you

now?

Or would you find me in the crowd?

We both long for the

word we will not

say.

We hid beneath the

sheets

for another day.

You run, I stand alone.

There is a distance growing

as we long to be close

You are driving, I am

running.

I want to wait for you

but you've gone to the

cave.

There's no entrance, just a

back door

and a lone window

always shut.

I've made curtains.

A doormat.

A welcome sign hangs

round my neck.

One that says 'shut'

is around yours.

Now I write my

life on

receipt paper.

Hoping for a word

from you

Is this the fairytale?

It seems better to

me

In its imperfections

Irony.

How do I hide a

happiness

that is growing

Though you seem far

away...

Will you open your eyes?

I'm right here.

I'm the melody to that

song you've been trying to write.

song.

Find me a corner in the
back of your mind
Where pain doesn't hurt
and the sun don't shine
I want to get lost in the shadow
of you.
We'll cover our heads
Till the rain comes
through.

for her.

when the world disappears

when the sun melts

when our hearts break

when our souls sigh

when our eyes cry

we want to die

we run, we fail

when we live

when we give

it's the final draw

the last straw

the end of the road

the cut, the loss

the panic, the joy

gone.

hope

hurt

sorrow

faith

beat beat beat

yourself up.

wondering why

how this could be

real.

death

life

in between

did you feel that?

heart ripped from

you.

shake your head NO!

and look to the sky.

a dream

the real deal

the real mccoy

that one

the bee's knees

laughter mingles with broken notes

broken hearts wander

struggle to land

struggle for constancy

a steady voice

such sweet words

lifting up heart strings

higher, ever so much higher

silence, broken, peeling back the layers

there's a rat ta tat tat of pain

a broken drum, a gasping void

a nameless dark

a blank slate

an unnamed tomb.

a soul fattened by loneliness

stretches its worn stitches

pounding in head

pounding in chest

boom ba boom ba boom

beating beating beating

till ears ring

death for life

life for death

shallow. breathing?

To Whom It May Concern.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XangPpXV4Gw


This song...this song tells me of you. I had a faint heart beat that had your name on it, had your face on it. I hope you are still a part of me. I hope I haven't lost you. I hope I didn't pass you by. I shall cover my heart in sweet words till you come and pluck them out one by one and whisper them to me...

today.

a collection of thoughts...the wind howls and my heart is filled with melancholy...

It was sunny behind me, big looming clouds rolled in front of me. It seemed like a sign of what lay ahead. I didn't want to believe that but somehow my heart shook it's little head, warning me of days to come. Days that would not be peachy or full of bunny rabbits and lollipops. Life was going to get hard. Life was going to get real. People were going to become harsh pictures of pain and defeat. That had already begun. I felt like Buddha, all sorts of hands rubbing my belly hoping for some kind of sign. Being ever so ticklish, I felt every rub like a stab. I couldn't give them what they longed for. It was killing me. All I could do was wait. Hope, hope that a God I served would come through, that He would hear my voice and do something. Hoping He would move.

I saw a blind person the other day. She was perfect. She had two eyes. A nose. Two ears. A mouth. She had a full head of hair and a well put together body. She was walking down the street, her walking pole in front of her. She didn't hide her face. She didn't hide who she was. I put myself in her place. My hearing became sharpened and I marveled at the world. I wanted my life to be a discovery. Every day something, some one new. A life where love did not break my heart, where people were people, beautiful creations, and I could hope again. I clung to every word of hope that I had ever heard. I inched forward. I struggle in murky water today. But I'm heading up the river. And I will have muscle...I will have strength to face those clouds.

I remember when I used to care about other people more than myself. I had nothing in this world to hold onto. Now I wrap my hands around myself. Your best friend committed suicide. I remembered that today. And my heart ached for anyone and everyone. I pictured you...your eyes were sad. I hadn't noticed. I have been close to that feeling but not quite. My friend is still alive. How do you continue to breathe? How do you love? How do you feel anymore? I have deadened myself for lesser things. I know you could be strong again. You may have given in to such comforts that this fouled world offers, but you're still here. You came back. I don't know why you came back.

Your eyes are still so blue.

Cling to Me, and I shall give you rest. But cling to Me...Hold on little one! Hold on!