feel.

why do we eat the thing
that kills us?
why do we prefer death
to breathing?
perhaps it's because we
feel a little bit
more
when we're dying
we are struggling
for something
tangible.
air
we hunt for the very thing
that attacks
we seek the pain
at least then
we know we feel

A letter.

So this one time I went to a bar, see. And there was this guy there. Not really my type but apparently I was his. He started talkin' and I started drinking. I didn't stop, neither did he. Like an idiot I gave him my phone number. What did I care? It was a phone number not sex. He leaned over and kissed me. I saw it coming and my brain said 'run for the hills Maria! They're singin' to ya!' But my lips kissed back. Beer=bad. I pushed him away. I guess he took that as 'I wanna date you'. A shove is a shove. So like an idiot, I go out with him, see. I sneak some friends in on the date. The more the merrier right? So right. It's strange. I get lost watching other people on their dates. “We're here again?” is the look on every girl's face. “A pitcher of beer and salsa? That's all ya got?” Cheap trick. I forget I'm on a 'date' and start writing each tables' story. I'm laughing to myself, happily ignoring said date. This is the longest hour of my life thus far. Two more followed. Boredom kills, one out of one stupid chick who goes on unbearable date. I'm starting to feel depressed. Am I a magnet for weirdos and guys who just want some...chips? I don't mind in the end because inspiration comes from experience. Boy. I've had enough experiences in the last six months to fill a dime-store novel. That's what it'd be worth too. I'm not saying I'm proud...I'm just sayin' it's hard to be so damn good-looking. I'm gonna go through life with my eyes closed...and my lips...and well, other things. Life is rough kiddo. Don't take it lying down. That just leads to babies and pain relievers. Charge it head on. And beat the crap out of it...once in a while...

Love, Your Auntie

go on. take a drink.

Drinking alone

thinking alone

it doesn't feel the same

you've forgotten my name

it doesn't matter

I'm getting fatter

but no one will know

I'll wear bigger clothes

change my face

change my body below

it'll break the ice

it'll knock you out

this pain

it drives away the mundane

it is dazzling

my insides are frazzling

hoping for some sort. of. Life.

It's worth the strife

this delicate

delusion

of

separation

crunch munch punch

to the face

to finish the race

of my heart

the start

is ahead

the finish behind

you don't want to find

me

in the crowd

I screamed it loud

I whispered it sweet

I left my insides

at your feet

I left my mind

inside your chest

and all that's left

of me

is flesh and bone

alone

now we've grown

you've flown

I'm in a cage

Never gettin

past this stage

enraged

disengaged

hollow

there's rain

inside my brain

it's not outside

even though I tried

to make it so.

I did a rain dance

hoping for the chance

of you

appearing.

You didn't show

now I don't know

how to move

if only I could prove

what you meant to me

mean to me

how you fill me

swallow me

shadow me

cover me

empty

empty

empty

empty

empty

recycle

trash

trash

trash

used

reused

trash

basura

empty

shit

dirt

crap

empty

tears tears tears!

Cried to no one

a stained pillow case

an ugly face

make-up running

once stunning

done

done

done

shut the door

to your...

room.

Bones lie in the closet

broken lockets

remains

of some one

two

three

four

maybe five...davy crocket

could stake a claim

elbow room!

Cried daniel boone

none to be had

no room to be had

he was glad. you were glad.

just like your dad

nameless faceless

gone.

there was a depth to your eyes

you couldn't disguise

you tried to hide

you wouldn't confide

I gave you my secrets

you ate yours

rebound

unbound

let go

of

my heart!

It's crumbling, a part

goes with you

a part, is new

a part, is hollow

a part, you swallowed

a part, I buried

with yours

open doors, windows

and ceilings

break it down

to the ground

till there's nothing

left

to be found

of us.

of you.

of me

of that

time

when we two

had something new

something true

but away it went

with the tide

my soul was spent

your tongue was tied

you wanted to hide.

my way of thinking

tainted

I can't feel the way

I once did

nothing is the same

since that day

the rain...

it pelts my face

it isn't soft

it isn't sweet

it's not the same...

it's a different place

i'm incomplete

robbed

restitched

unhinged

the smell of familiarity

lingers on my clothes

fingers that dance, a heart that sews

itself on sleeves

it's an old day smell

that brings clarity

for some odd reason

it goes with this season

I'm believin'

for a brighter day

not waiting for you to say

you're not grieving

not waiting to receive

a word from you

a look from you

a smile

a slow dance

a summer romance

that could've been

I'm going forth

heading north

maybe east

maybe you're the beauty

I'm the beast

We're running in reverse

the finish is where we start

you said give it one more chance

take one more glance

before you utter a curse

before you close your heart

to a warm knock

a sweet embrace

the beats dart

one, two one two

buckle my...blues

eat my heart

eat my love

eat

eat eat

repeat

defeat

replete

meat

elite

treat

me

like

dirt

eat

the worm

toss the apple

you're the bird

I'm the germ

we don't dapple

we don't grapple

we beat the earth

with a feather

tickle my heart

with leather

torture my soul

with kind words

with distinct phrases

that you wrote on your forehead

that you strummed on your guitar

we've come this far

only to be lost in the mazes

of our own poetry

love is dead

love is you

love is me

love is lost at sea

whiskey and cigarettes

I wanted to crawl into the corners of your mind

Stretch myself across your mind

till I was so thin

I fluttered when you walked

Like my heart fluttered when you talked

You, you...you

with your caresses

my soul undresses

I can't help but give you all that I have

A pair of shoes, and a broken nose

overdose

overdose on the texture of your tongue

on the taste of your kisses

your skin salty,

like a sea, undiscovered

like a child, recovered, you

hold me in your arms

I'm drowning in your charms.

What a way to die.

What a way to live!

Free, unharnessed

I'm takin' over your mind.

You're gonna have to charge rent.

When my money's been spent

I'll pitch a tent

in your heart.

Oh hell, Florida's got enough

sunshine

and pink plastic flamingos

for the both of us.

Whiskey and cigarettes, that's how the

story goes.

You, me, them, a hushed celebration

No provocation

but plenty of outbursts.

Will it get worse?

It was a cold night. It always

is.

My heart pre-frozen, doesn't feel much

But this...

you...

with such...hope you came to me.

Offered it up in a slow dance.

I let you take the lead.

My heart was about to be freed.

Set loose. Loved?

Love. The best four letter curse.

I let my feelings disperse

I chased them out.

You were a dream. I was in one

Could I believe in good again?

Easy to do in the sunshine

What about the time when

the clouds rolled in and brought the pain?

Fog and dew.

My bane.

Winter rain in the summer time

it's like my insides.

All shook up.

Ventricles collide, hope subsides

Fate tripped me up

I fell into your dream

You made mine burst at the seam

The end of the world

My world.

Their world.

They think, we think

we know

What to drink, where to go.

We hid, we covered our faces

Fit in all the right places.

I found a place in the back of your mind.

It's a place where only you can find

me.

I'll stay here till I overtake your heart

Your ventricles becoming a part

of me.

Every step you take, I'm moving you

to a breaking point.

Keep pushing through

because I'm here, I'm here

inside of you.

You are my happiness

So near was such bliss

Ah my heart fails me

My worries invade me

But you are true

You asked me to stay

Oh sweet honey dew day!

A joyous sigh

Escaped my wearied form

My hope lept to the sky

I was above and beyond

You would be my song

With bad rhymes and

awkward rhythms

Pain, hurt, synicism

Tears, laughs, adventure

I wanna hold your hand.

A Girl.

A Boy.

A split second in time

we met.

Just as my heart

began to fret.

You came along.

Sang a song

A good song, a love song

We laughed, we drank.

You remembered all

I remembered you.

The canvas blank

The walls torn down

They will say it's wrong

It doesn't fit the perfect mold

but we create.

we explode.

The norm isn't ours.

The expectations corrode

we are a new kind of old

you, a fresh breeze,

a fragrance, unsold

a story, untold

soon to be known.

There would be sunshine

again.

But we were up before dawn

and everything seemed wrong.

Too fast! Slow down!

Hold. Back. Your. Heart.

My world turned, one sound

one word.

And we were apart.

Silence.

My hands shook.

One day.

Another day.

You never made me doubt

who I was

who I could be.

What the world was about.

Green grass and daisy chains

empty picture frames

but you were in my heart

buried so deep

I couldn't rip you out.

I tried, I pried at the roots

you were a part of me

now.

I can't escape you

I don't understand you

I can't get around you

never before

have I felt such...

Pain.

Joy.

Sorrow.

Bliss.

Loss.

Freedom.

Weightless listless

Hope.

Dare I say love?

no. It's what you want

most of all.

It's what I want

evermore.

Yet we're scared

to hit the ceiling

hit the floor.

It's a feeling we truly can't ignore

hard as we try...

it's pushing to the surface

this pain has a purpose

it's closing doors

opening wardrobes

worlds await.

Things were so right

so true

Every thought was a

thought of you

Take it slow

begin again

Enjoy these summer days

I think of all

the ways

You were like my best

friend.

Am I old news to you

now?

Or would you find me in the crowd?

We both long for the

word we will not

say.

We hid beneath the

sheets

for another day.

You run, I stand alone.

There is a distance growing

as we long to be close

You are driving, I am

running.

I want to wait for you

but you've gone to the

cave.

There's no entrance, just a

back door

and a lone window

always shut.

I've made curtains.

A doormat.

A welcome sign hangs

round my neck.

One that says 'shut'

is around yours.

Now I write my

life on

receipt paper.

Hoping for a word

from you

Is this the fairytale?

It seems better to

me

In its imperfections

Irony.

How do I hide a

happiness

that is growing

Though you seem far

away...

Will you open your eyes?

I'm right here.

I'm the melody to that

song you've been trying to write.